Things NOT to Say to a Pregnant Woman

I understand that some people cannot help but put their foot in their mouth on a semi-regular basis. However, when keeping company with a pregnant woman, even those who are usually non-foot-in-mouth folks should really take extra precautions to keep from being offensive. They should also note that “offensive” covers a pretty broad spectrum when dealing with someone who has recently put on 40+ pounds, is dying a slow death due to heartburn, hasn’t slept in months, and has heard more advice from more strangers than ever thought humanly possible. What you consider to be an innocent comment might actually lead to tears or even physical violence.

For example, please understand that there is absolute NO WAY to make any reference whatsoever to the size of a pregnant woman’s belly without her hearing you call her “fat”. It is impossible. Please stop trying. We may smile, but inwardly, we are praying to the Burger King gods to smite you with cellulite. 

I’m sure you’re thinking that’s an obvious one, right? Like, who in the world would actually be dumb enough to verbalize that a pregger’s belly is huge?

You would be amazed. 

But there are just as many people who unintentionally comment about our weight. For example, asking questions like, “Are you having twins?” implies that my gut is large enough to accommodate two children instead of just the one. Or just now “noticing” that I’m pregnant… when I’m in my third trimester. Not cool. Or comparing my pregnant and pre-pregnant belly with something like, “You really haven’t gained much weight with this baby!” I know, I know—that one sounds nice at first. But think that one through. I am noticeable, undeniably pregnant, I feel HUGE, and you’ve just said that I look about the same as I always have. So… I always look pregnant? Does that sound complimentary?   

If you are one who has made one of these remarks in the past (or a similar one) there is help for you! I have assembled a chart for your education in the art of interacting of women who are with child. Memorize these common comments and avoid them at all costs! 

*Please note that this chart is not comprehensive. If, while reading, you realize that you’ve made, say, three or more of these errors, you might do better to just avoid speaking to pregnant women entirely. Better safe than sorry.

What Was Actually Said:	Translated to Prego-Speak:
“Oh, my goodness! You’re getting so big! When are you due?“	“Holy cow, you lardo! What kind of toddler do you have in there? ”
“Are you excited?”	“Seriously, you want another baby? Have you lost your fool mind?”
“Were y’all trying?”	“Tell me all your bedroom business! Do y’all just hook up to make babies, or what?”
“So, you’re going to have THREE BOYS! Poor Mama! You need a girl!”	“I’m sure you wouldn’t have ever agreed to that third kid if you’d known it was going to be another stinky boy. Ya know, you could always give one of those guys up for adoption. Maybe the agency would let you make a trade…”
“You’re going to eat/drink THAT while you’re pregnant? Isn’t caffeine/sugar bad for your baby?”	“Please, punch me in the face.”
“Have you chosen a name yet?... Oh. Is that a family name, or…?”	“Where in tarnation did you dig up that ridiculous name? It is the stupidest name I have ever heard. Your kid is going to be beat up on the playground, all because of you.”
“You aren’t worried that people won’t be able to pronounce/spell it?”	“For the love of all that is holy, change your mind on that name!”
“You’re pregnant?! I had no idea!”	“Oh, so you’re not just incredibly fat! All this time, I just thought you were just really letting yourself go!”
“Poor Mama! You look so tired! “ --or— “Are you miserable?”	“You look hideous.”
“So, you’re having another C-section? Your doctor wouldn’t let you try for a natural delivery?” --or— “You’re really going to get an epidural?”	“Wuss.”