Children Should Be Bald Til Puberty

Hair. My nemesis. 

Who would have ever thought that BOY HAIR could cause so much drama? Girl hair, sure. I get it. It’s long, it tangles, it takes forever to dry—obvious drama potential. But boy hair? Really? It’s a whole whopping half-inch long, for crying out loud! But you would think my child was Rapunzel herself by the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth that goes on behind that bathroom door. He doesn’t want me to rub the shampoo in; he doesn’t want me to wash the shampoo out; he doesn’t want me to dry his hair with a towel...

Drama, drama, drama. 

And the most frustrating thing is that IF HE WOULD JUST LISTEN AND OBEY MY INSTRUCTIONS, then hair washing and drying would be a breeze! Literally, it would be a 60-second process. But no, that’s not going to happen. Because “listening” and “obeying” are foreign concepts. So instead, here is how hair time is destined to go:

Mama: Andy, close your eyes, and tilt your head up.

(Andy immediately opens his eyes and looks down at his toes. A swath of bubbles runs directly down his face.)

Andy: AUGH! MY EYES! MY EYES! AUGH!

Mama: Okay, calm down! Just close your eyes, be still, and let me wipe the soap off your face!

(Andy immediately jerks away and uses his soapy hand to wipe his eyes, which are still wide open.)

Andy: AUGH! MY EYES! MY EYES! AUGH!

Mama: Andy, be still! Close your eyes, and stop rubbing them with your soapy hand! Let me get the soap off your face!

(Andy runs for the towel, slips and falls right as he reaches it, hits his head against the shower wall, and soaks his towel in the running water. All the while, he maintains a high pitched keen over his ruined eyes that has every neighborhood dog howling.)

We repeat this process every day during bath time. I had thought the shower would be an improvement, since he kept standing up in the tub every time I tried to dump water over his soapy hair, and I was worried that he would slip and fall. Obviously, that plan backfired. I keep waiting for him to out-grow this little phase and start enjoying having clean hair, but the forecast isn’t looking good.

I recently became so frustrated by the meltdowns that I threatened to shave every single hair off his precious little head if he pitched another fit about getting it washed. I know you want to judge me, but you know what? THAT’S BIBLICAL, people. The Bible says that if an eye or a hand is causing you to sin, you should just whack that thing off. Well, my eye and my hand are doing just fine, but this hair is causing me to sin all over the place. I’m just trying to obey the Lord here.

I’m really at a loss as to what hair is good for at this age anyway. They can’t take care of it, and I’m pretty sure that kids would still be plenty cute even if they were bald. There are actually multiple advantages to having hair removed from the equation: fewer meltdowns, fewer traumatizations (it’s not a word, but it should be…), less frustration for both parties, better hygiene, conserved time/energy/patience… It truly would be a win for everyone.

In fact, I don’t think kids need hair until puberty. Isn’t that about when kids start being concerned about looking and smelling clean in order to impress the opposite sex? So, theoretically, they would WANT to have freshly washed hair? Awesome. Then I vote for that—baldness until puberty.

Anyone with me on this? Maybe if enough of us join the movement, we can get a bulk rate on No-No’s.