Men, once again, you don’t want to read this one. It’s actually worse than the last one I warned you about.
If you read my previous post, “Pregnancy Advice I Would Give Myself”, then you know that I recently encountered the new and hideous pregnancy experience of razor burn. You might also recall that after suffering for close to a week, I finally sucked it up, went to the doctor, and got prescribed magic drugs that had me up and feeling human again by the next day.
Well, I should have known “the fix” wouldn’t be that easy.
Being the genius that I am, I really made no changes to my routines and activities other than applying the medicated powder given to me. Never once did it dawn on me that I should probably skip the kiddie swimming pool and the sweaty laps around the park. But lucky for you, I can now be the voice of wisdom in your life that was totally lacking in mine. DO NOT GET SWEATY OR WET WHEN YOU’RE RECOVERING FROM MAD RAZOR BURN!
Within a few days of my dramatic recovery, I started to feel the burn returning. I could not for the life of me figure out WHY because I had avoided shaving products like the bubonic plague after all the trauma occurred. After suffering through a shower that felt incredibly similar to how I envision a chemical bath would, I checked the situation out. And even though I had no previous experience with this phenomenon, I immediately knew what the problem was.
My razor burn had mutated into a yeast infection.
I figured yeast had to be the culprit because I remembered the nurse saying to me, as she handed me my prescription, that I needed to be careful that it didn’t become a yeast infection. Obviously, I did not do a very good job following that advice. See paragraph #3.
Okay, so I was fairly certain that I knew what the problem was, but I did not know anything at all about yeast infections.
This time, Google was a wealth of information—still no pictures, but tons of advice on how to treat the yeast. Unfortunately, the vast majority of information assumed an incorrect location of the infection. Mine was actually the creases of my legs, so quite a bit of what I read did not apply. Nonetheless, I figured surely I could find something applicable. The consensus from everything I read was actually not to self-diagnose, but I ignored that since the nurse had prophetically pre-diagnosed me four days earlier. The secondary consensus was to do the 7-day Monistat treatment.
Ken immediately went to Wal-Mart.
24-hours later, I felt a familiar burning sensation, but in a new location: my old C-section scar.
I realize that at this point, you’re probably questioning why I didn’t just go back to the doctor. After all, did I not learn my lesson the last time I avoided seeking out medical professionals?
Well, no, obviously I did not. But my excuse was that it was Tuesday, and I already had an appointment scheduled for Friday morning. And that was only three more days. Surely I would be fine for a mere three days.
Yeah, that was stupid.
Advice for anyone who is also stupid and fully intends to self-diagnose despite the previous advice not to: MONISTAT IS AMAZING.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I was still pretty pitiful, but I would at least experience momentary relief from the burning right after applying. And I still had three more days to get things under control so the nurse would not see what a total idiot I was for allowing my condition to deteriorate this horribly.
Another 24-hours passed, and guess what? A familiar, burning sensation, but in a new location! This time, the sisters.
Realizing that this was getting totally out of hand, but also determined to make it until my appointment (only two days away!), I returned to Google. Again, I sifted through lots of inapplicable information. But then, the jackpot! Finally, I ran across a blog that discussed the ins and outs of yeast infection candidly (don’t you love blogs that do that?). Here’s what I picked up, since it was iterated time and time again:
Fatties are prone to yeast infection.
Thanks, candid blogger, for adding emotional pain to the list of things I was now suffering from. Still, that information was helpful because for once we were discussing MY locations—thunder thighs, C-section scars, and saggy boobs—instead of the unmentionable. And because of that, we were also discussing how a yeast infection can travel all over your big, fat body if you don’t take precautions.
When the initial outbreak happened, never once had I considered that my loofah should be trashed, or I maybe should use multiple towels at shower time, or that I might need to super-duper sanitize my sheets each morning. But candid blogger educated me. Thanks to her advice, I survived until Friday.
On Friday, at my long-awaited appointment, my doctor educated me further. Apparently, I should also have been changing my clothing multiple times a day, avoiding sports bras, and staying completely and totally sweat-free.
Eight months pregnant.
I told her I’d get right on that. And she gave me another prescription for another ointment even more potent than Monistat, although she said that I could continue to use the other on my thighs, since that part was almost cleared up. And I should also continue to use the medicated powder in between ointment applications. My daily yeast treatment now looked like this:
(Oh, and the Benadryl cream? I got matching insect stings on each boob at some point during the yeast outbreak. I guess the tops felt they were not receiving enough attention since the underside was getting a daily rub-down of ointment, so the bites swelled and started itching like crazy.)
So here’s the regimen, all of which you can accept as MY ADVICE to you if you are unfortunate enough to end up in a similar situation:
2. Blow dry all infected areas
3. Apply designated ointments to infected areas
4. Lie in ridiculously immodest positions under ceiling fan until ointment is dry
5. (Fatties only) Strategically place paper towels in bra to collect excess moisture (AKA stinky sweat). No, I am not kidding. I understand that this will not be the most attractive look. However, boob sweat is the reason that the top half of you is in the mess. So suck up your pride, and stuff that bra!
6. Repeat steps 1-5 four times per day, swapping powder for ointment every other time, and donning new clothes every single time
7. Become a hermit until winter