Friday, November 13, 2015

MY Kid is THAT Kid

You know how there’s always THAT KID that other parents don’t want THEIR KID associating with? The one that’s a bad influence, is always in trouble, has issues with authority, consistently displays poor judgment, maybe dresses a little too wild, etc. It’s hard enough to enforce any attempts to keep them apart when they spend hours without parental interference at school and extracurricular activities… But what do you do when they live together?

WHAT DO YOU DO when they’re BROTHERS??????????

Honestly, I don’t even know which kid is the “good” one and which is the “bad” one anymore. All I know is that BOTH OF THEM are constantly into SOMETHING. And the SOMETHING is always more ridiculous than anything that either of them could have come up with on their own. They just feed off of each other 24/7/365. 

For example:
Normal children strip down naked and run about the house laughing. It’s not something we encourage, but it’s not something to get alarmed about either.
MY children strip down naked OUTSIDE. Then they convince each other to throw their clothes onto the roof of the house to rot during the next thunderstorm whilst they clog up the gutters. Then they pee on each other. Again, all outside for the neighbors to see. Because we definitely needed another reason for the neighbors to consider calling CPS.

For another example:
Normal children will either step on a bug to squish it, or they will run to an adult and ask them to squish it.
MY children HUNT bugs to kill. And not just at home, no sirree. They stalk bugs in public locals, such as the OB office, where they stand atop the nice, cushioned, waiting room chairs on tiptoe after ripping off their shoes. And there, they bang the life out of the harmless cricket that is unfortunate enough to be on the wall above their head until it falls to the floor in complete and utter dead-ness. And then they stomp it some more, just in case.

For yet another example:
Normal children jump on the bed. Again, it’s not a behavior we encourage, but we don’t freak out too much since it’s completely normal.
MY children start out jumping on the bed. Then they convince each other to push the beds close enough to jump from one bed to the other while performing ninja moves. Then they steal the slats from under the bed and build a plank connecting the two headboards where they walk precariously on a 4-inch-width piece of splintery wood from one headboard to the other where they will dive onto the mattress. And probably perform a somersault on the way down.

See? Do you see how things spiral out of control? It’s insane! And the worst part: they are starting to drag the baby into their crazy.

Yesterday, when the older two stripped down naked, they stripped the baby down naked too. I do not know why. I will NEVER understand why children—especially BOY children—are obsessed with naked behinds. But they are, and they apparently drag others into the madness as early as possible. (As a side note, in addition to stripping him stark, raving naked, they have taught him the word “poo poo”. My sweet, precious child knows a whopping 5 words or so, all of which he says in this super cute little baby voice. Yet now he can participate in the potty humor. Yippee skippee.)

Today, the baby climbed right on top of that headboard with his two big brothers, ready to walk the Plank of Death right alongside them. Thankfully, I was able to grab him and get him back to safety before an ER visit was necessitated. But I feel one is on the horizon.