Wednesday, August 26, 2015

You Just Can't

I know I said a couple of weeks ago that I am a super positive person, but that was clearly either sarcasm or a flat out lie. Today, I shall prove how incredibly NOT positive I really am by pointing out all the things one CANNOT DO with a broken foot and riding a scooter. 

1.      Operate a trash can that utilizes a foot pedal to open the lid. 

Who knew that trash cans were a two-foot device? I think this would be the perfect time to justify one of those motion-sensor cans...

2.      Procure your own motorized shopping cart. 

It doesn’t really matter if you’ve broken your left foot or your right because driving is not the issue. The problem is getting inside once you reach your destination. Sure, you can hop on one foot to the trunk, balance on one leg while you unload the scooter, then scoot your little self inside to the carts. But then what? Push your scooter alongside the motorized shopping cart back to the car? 

3.      Put down the foot rest on a recliner.

Unless, of course, your healthy foot is part Hulk. Then you’re golden.

I wonder if this is similar to the way that men feel when asked to put down the toilet seat...?

4.      Carry your own plate and drink to the table.

Just give up on hot food altogether because your kid’s not going to carry freshly microwaved food for you. But you can garner sympathy for something that won’t burn their fingers. Sandwich, anyone? For the next 6 weeks? 

5.      Stop your crazy toddler from jumping off the mini-fridge onto the futon.

You probably also cannot one-foot-edly get him to the ER when this little activity ends badly…

6.      Stop your crazy toddler from jumping off the train table.

Fun times! Another potential ER visit!

7.      Catch your crazy toddler when he runs away from you.

This one might be a positive if #5 and #6 happened first…

8.      Enforce time out for your crazy toddler.

Good news—you CAN put yourself in time out! 

9.      Wash the bottom of your good foot.

There’s just no good way to balance enough to scrub that foot. And there’s no pedicure to cover for this shortcoming, either. The best bet that I have found is to drop my loofah onto the shower floor, stand on top of it, and twist back and forth. Does that sound at all efficient, effective, or any other positive adjectives to you?

10.   Get a slick, wet baby out of the bathtub.

This task isn’t easy on a good day. While crippled? Well, the kids might just be a little more dirty than normal for a few weeks.

11.   Check a mailbox that lives at the end of a rock driveway.

The children will not understand this. They will blow past you on their bicycles and mock your geriatric pace. Ignore them. Allowing a competitive spirit to creep in and overpower the fear and logic is foolish. Speed up while on those rocks, and you will die. 

12.   Sweep up the piles of goldfish, animal crackers, poptarts, and other crumbly junk food you’ve allowed your children to consume while you’ve been unable to provide proper nourishment. 

Actually, that’s only half true. YOU actually CAN sweep up the piles of crumbs left behind by your children! But… you cannot operate the dustpan. So all you’ve really managed to accomplish is push the dirty, disgusting, stale food remains into an irresistible pile of temptation for the baby and toddler, who have no qualms when it comes to eating off the floor.  

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