Hair. My nemesis.
Who would have ever thought that BOY HAIR could cause so
much drama? Girl hair, sure. I get it. It’s long, it tangles, it takes forever
to dry—obvious drama potential. But boy hair? Really? It’s a whole whopping half-inch
long, for crying out loud! But you would think my child was Rapunzel herself by
the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth that goes on behind that bathroom
door. He doesn’t want me to rub the shampoo in; he doesn’t want me to wash the
shampoo out; he doesn’t want me to dry his hair with a towel...
Drama, drama, drama.
And the most frustrating thing is that IF HE WOULD JUST
LISTEN AND OBEY MY INSTRUCTIONS, then hair washing and drying would be a breeze!
Literally, it would be a 60-second process. But no, that’s not going to happen.
Because “listening” and “obeying” are foreign concepts. So instead, here is how
hair time is destined to go:
Mama: Andy, close your eyes, and tilt your head
up.
(Andy immediately opens his eyes and looks
down at his toes. A swath of bubbles runs directly down his face.)
Andy: AUGH! MY EYES! MY EYES! AUGH!
Mama: Okay, calm down! Just close your eyes, be
still, and let me wipe the soap off your face!
(Andy immediately jerks away and uses his
soapy hand to wipe his eyes, which are still wide open.)
Andy: AUGH! MY EYES! MY EYES! AUGH!
Mama:
Andy, be still! Close your eyes,
and stop rubbing them with your soapy hand! Let me get the soap off your face!
(Andy runs for the towel, slips and falls
right as he reaches it, hits his head against the shower wall, and soaks his
towel in the running water. All the while, he maintains a high pitched keen
over his ruined eyes that has every neighborhood dog howling.)
We repeat
this process every day during bath time. I had thought the shower would be an
improvement, since he kept standing up in the tub every time I tried to dump
water over his soapy hair, and I was worried that he would slip and fall.
Obviously, that plan backfired. I keep waiting for him to out-grow this little
phase and start enjoying having clean hair, but the forecast isn’t looking
good.
I recently
became so frustrated by the meltdowns that I threatened to shave every single
hair off his precious little head if he pitched another fit about getting it
washed. I know you want to judge me, but you know what? THAT’S BIBLICAL,
people. The Bible says that if an eye or a hand is causing you to sin, you
should just whack that thing off. Well, my eye and my hand are doing just fine,
but this hair is causing me to sin all over the place. I’m just trying to obey
the Lord here.
I’m really
at a loss as to what hair is good for at this age anyway. They can’t take care
of it, and I’m pretty sure that kids would still be plenty cute even if they
were bald. There are actually multiple advantages to having hair removed from
the equation: fewer meltdowns, fewer traumatizations (it’s not a word, but it
should be…), less frustration for both parties, better hygiene, conserved time/energy/patience…
It truly would be a win for everyone.
In fact, I
don’t think kids need hair until puberty. Isn’t that about when kids start
being concerned about looking and smelling clean in order to impress the
opposite sex? So, theoretically, they would WANT to have freshly washed hair?
Awesome. Then I vote for that—baldness until puberty.
Anyone with
me on this? Maybe if enough of us join the movement, we can get a bulk rate on
No-No’s.
It sounds good to me! No more hair, no more problems! You are an awesome mom, you will overcome this!
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