Wednesday, November 12, 2014

My Grown-Up Thanksgiving List

I'm thankful for:

1.      800-Count Boxes of Baby Wipes.
Baby wipes have replaced all other forms of cleaning. We wipe down tables, chairs, floors, counters, and people with them. We use them to clean up food spills, errant crayon marks, squashed bugs, and all sorts of misplaced bodily fluids. Then we use a clean wipe to pick up the dirty wipe and carry it to the trash. 

2.      Disposable Diapers.
I understand my carbon footprint is of epic proportions. I will try to make it up to Mother Nature somehow. But after cleaning out poopy undies during the weeks of potty training, I know for an absolute fact that I would never survive cloth diapers. For all you Super Moms who use them—I’m not worthy. 

3.      Disney Junior.
Sure, it’s annoying to have nothing but theme songs playing in your head all day, and I’m aware that it’s considered bad parenting to stick your kids in front of the TV. I know they should be using their imaginations and playing fantastical games in homemade costumes constructed out of scrapbook paper, or basking in the joys of literature surrounded by piles of books by acclaimed authors. But for now, we’re in survival mode. And while Disney Junior is on, everyone is quiet. Everyone is still. Everyone is happy. So Mickey Mouse Clubhouse it is.

4.      Lunchables and String Cheese.
Yep, more bad parenting. Again, I don’t care. Want to make it through Kroger without shoes flying, cans being toppled off the shelves, or The Imperial Death March being hummed for a full hour? Hand the kids a Lunchable and some string cheese. They won’t poop for three or four days afterwards, but that’s okay. Everything will clear up in time for the next grocery trip.

5.      Crockpots.
Dump a few cans of stuff into a single pot, turn a knob, then forget about it for 6 hours, all to be praised at the dinner table for my cooking prowess? Yes, please!

6.      Chic-fil-A Play Places.
Is it 115 degrees outside? Been raining for 8 days straight? Arctic temperatures blowing in from up North? No prob, Bob. Chic-fil-A offers a full playground crammed into a 10x10 ft. space of climate controlled Paradise that will have the excess energy dispersed in time for afternoon naps, all while you sip bottomless sweet tea. My pleasure, kids. My pleasure.

7.      Nap Time.
The days that everyone actually falls asleep are rare. The days that everyone falls asleep at the same time are even rarer. For everyone to fall asleep at the same time and stay asleep long enough for Mama to nap also requires the stars and planets to align. But nothing in the whole, wide world can beat those days. 

8.      Spanx.
No, I have not lost the baby weight, from baby #1, 2, or 3. And yes, I fully intend to participate in the full month of holiday goodness that is right around the corner. But rest assured—my pants will still zip. Thanks, Spanx.

9.       Boppy Pillows.
Everyone knows that the Boppy is a must-have for nursing mothers. Less widely known is that the Boppy is the perfect pillow for just regular old sleeping. It fits your neck perfectly and offers just the right amount of support. And since Baby will end up in bed with me every, single night for an unforeseeable span of time, it is the only way I can get even remotely comfortable and he be comfortable, too. Having seen the husband use it as well, I can report that you will look like a complete idiot with that thing wrapped around your neck while you sleep. But hey, it’s dark. Do what you gotta do.

10.   Free blog sites.
It’s like venting to a therapist, but cheaper.

No comments:

Post a Comment